You’ve noticed something’s wrong. They’re not themselves lately. Maybe you’ve seen them drinking more. Maybe they’ve pulled away. Or maybe they’re acting like everything’s fine, while you’re quietly carrying the weight of worry.

Starting a conversation about addiction is hard. There’s no script, no perfect line that makes it all okay. But silence doesn’t help, and deep down, you already know that. So, how do you say something without making things worse?

First, don’t wait for it to get worse

A lot of people hold off until something dramatic happens. A crisis. A breakdown. A call from the hospital. They think that moment will finally push their loved one to see the truth. But waiting until everything falls apart isn’t kindness. It’s fear, disguised as patience.

If your gut is telling you something’s off, trust it. The earlier you say something, the more likely they’ll still be open to hearing it.

Check in with yourself before you speak

Before you even start the conversation about your loved one visiting a drug rehab, take a beat and ask yourself where you’re coming from. Is it anger? Panic? Guilt? Desperation? All of those are valid. But if those emotions are steering the ship, the conversation can veer into blame or control, without you meaning it to.

The goal isn’t to “fix” the situation right away. It’s to open the door. And that takes calm, even if it’s hard to find. If you’re feeling too charged, give yourself space first. Go for a walk. Talk to someone you trust. Write it down. Do what you need to, so when you sit down with them, you’re steady.

Don’t overthink the perfect moment—but don’t blurt it out either

There’s no ideal time to bring this up, but there are better and worse times. You don’t want to drop it in the middle of a stressful day, or at a family gathering, or while they’re under the influence. It’s better when they’re relatively clear-headed, and you’ve got some privacy.

If that moment doesn’t come naturally, create one. Ask if you can catch up. You can suggest going for a walk or getting a coffee. Keep it casual. Once you’re alone and things feel settled, that’s your opening.

Say what you see, not what you assume

Start with what you’ve noticed—not accusations, not labels, and not assumptions about what’s going on behind the scenes.

Something like:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately, and I’m worried.”

or

“You don’t seem like yourself these days. Is everything okay?”

That’s it. You’re not cornering them. You’re not demanding an explanation. You’re just being honest.

People are more likely to listen when they don’t feel judged, especially when they’re already struggling with shame.

Don’t expect the first conversation to go smoothly

You might get hit with defensiveness. They might deny everything. They might laugh it off or get angry. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong. Addiction comes with a lot of internal conflict. People often know something’s wrong, but facing it is scary. Being called out—even gently—can make them feel exposed.

Your job isn’t to win the conversation. It’s to plant a seed. To let them know you care and that you’re paying attention. They might not say anything meaningful in the moment, but you’ll have said something that sticks. That matters more than you think.

Language really matters

Be careful with the words you use. Even if you’re frustrated, avoid calling them an “addict” or saying things like “you need help.” These terms feel loaded. They can sound like labels or diagnoses, and that can shut someone down fast.

Instead, focus on how their behavior is affecting them—and you.

“You missed your sister’s birthday and didn’t call. I know that’s not like you. I was worried.”

It’s specific, grounded in reality, and it doesn’t come off like an attack.

Be clear that you’re here for them, no matter what

Sometimes people don’t open up because they’re afraid of what comes next: that they’ll be forced into treatment, everyone will judge them, and they’ll lose control. So it helps to make it clear you’re not here to shame them or make demands.

Let them know you’re on their side and that they can talk to you without pressure. If they ever want support, you’ll walk that road with them, not ahead of them, dragging them toward it.

And mean it. Don’t dangle love like a reward for getting sober. Keep showing up with care, even if nothing changes right away.

If things get dangerous, you don’t have to wait

All of this assumes your loved one is safe. If you think they’re in immediate danger—to themselves or others—don’t wait for permission to act. That might mean calling for help. It might mean reaching out to other family members. It might mean doing something that feels uncomfortable but necessary.

It’s okay to protect someone you love, even if they don’t see the danger themselves. Just make sure your actions still come from a place of compassion, not punishment.

You don’t need all the answers to be a lifeline

You might worry you’ll say the wrong thing. That you’ll push them away. That you’ll make it worse. But silence doesn’t protect people—it isolates them.

Starting the conversation might not change everything overnight. But it creates space. It tells your loved one: “You’re seen. You matter. I care enough to speak up.”

And that? That’s the beginning of something.